How Peer Support and Group Work Help Men Maintain Lifelong Accountability

When a man decides to confront the harm he has caused in his relationships, the first steps are often lonely and uncomfortable. He may be used to hiding, denying, or explaining away his behaviour, not naming it as abuse. What changes the trajectory for many men is not just information about domestic and family violence, but being in a room, even a virtual room with other men doing the same hard work. That is where peer support and group processes become central to maintaining accountability over the long term, especially in settings that offer structured online men’s behaviour change support.

Accountability starts when excuses are heard out loud

On paper, most men who use violence know that what they are doing is wrong. The problem is that, in their own heads, they have built a story that makes sense to them: “I just lost control,” “She pushed me,” “It wasn’t that serious.” Those stories are hard to shift in isolation because there is nobody there to question them.

In a group setting, those same sentences sound very different. When a man says, “It only happened once,” and hears another man describe almost the same pattern, he can no longer pretend his behaviour is unique or justified. When he listens to peers acknowledge that their partners felt terrified, humiliated, or constantly on edge, it becomes harder to cling to the idea that his own partner was “overreacting.”

This is where peer challenge begins to matter. It is often another participant not just a facilitator, who says, “I used to talk about it like that too, but that’s still violence.” That kind of feedback breaks through defensiveness in a way that individual counselling sometimes cannot.

Group work creates a mirror men can’t easily avoid

Group work is powerful because it acts like a mirror held up at different angles. Men:

• Hear their own justifications echoed back at them from other mouths.
• See patterns of control and entitlement they thought were “normal”.
• Watch what happens when someone else is pushed to be more honest.

That mirroring process reveals how similar many of their behaviours actually are – yelling, punching walls, threats to leave or take the children, constant checking of phones or social media, controlling money, and so on. Once those patterns are laid out side by side, it becomes much clearer that they are part of a broader system of abuse, not “one‑off” incidents.

At the same time, group work offers another kind of reflection: men see what change can look like. Someone who has been attending for longer might talk about catching themselves before sending an abusive text, or choosing to walk away from an argument rather than escalate it. Those small examples show newer participants that a different way of responding is possible in real life, not just in theory.

Peer support as a training ground for different relationships

Healthy peer support in men’s behaviour change work is very different from the kind of “support” some men get from friends who minimise violence or blame women. Instead of encouraging each other to stay stuck, peer support in this context is about:

• Encouraging honesty rather than protecting an image.
• Naming violence directly, not softening it to “conflict” or “a mistake.”
• Recognising fear, shame, and grief without letting those feelings erase responsibility.

Group sessions become a training ground for skills men need in their families and communities: listening without interrupting, staying present when they feel defensive, tolerating discomfort, and responding without intimidation or threats. When a man practises those skills week after week with peers who are being honest about their own behaviour, he is more likely to carry them back into his relationships.

This is true whether groups are in‑person or delivered through an online domestic violence program for men, where video sessions and structured discussions still offer real-time challenge and connection between participants.

Why peer support is crucial for long‑term change

Finishing a program does not mean a man will never feel angry, stressed, or tempted to use old tactics again. Life will still involve pressure, disagreement, and hurt. The difference is whether he has internalised a sense of accountability strong enough to override those impulses.

Peer support and group experiences contribute to this long‑term accountability in a few key ways:

• They change what “normal” looks like: Before attending a group, many men have never heard another man openly admit to using violence and take responsibility for it. Being part of a space where accountability is expected, not optional, shifts their internal reference point.

• They leave men with a remembered network, not just a certificate: When stress rises months or years later, men can recall specific conversations, challenges, and commitments they made in front of others. That memory of being witnessed can act as a brake on behaviour in moments when they might otherwise slip.

• They build habits of reflection: Over time, group programs train men to look back on their behaviour and ask, “Was that respectful? Did I cross a line?” rather than automatically blaming someone else. That reflective habit is one of the strongest foundations for ongoing non‑violence.

The importance of structure and safety in group settings

Not all groups are equal. For peer support and group processes to genuinely support safety and accountability, they must be carefully structured. This means:

• Skilled facilitators who can stop collusion (men reinforcing each other’s excuses) and redirect the conversation back to responsibility.
• Clear guidelines that violence will be named, not minimised, and that sexist or abusive language will be challenged.
• A strong emphasis on victim‑survivor safety, even when they are not in the room, so men understand that the program’s primary purpose is to reduce harm, not to make them “feel better” about themselves.

When those elements are in place, peer support becomes a tool for change rather than a space where harmful attitudes are reinforced.

Online access: extending peer support beyond geography

Historically, many men’s behaviour change groups were limited to those who could physically attend. Men in regional or remote areas, those with shift work, or those without reliable transport often missed out. Online delivery has shifted that.

When programs use video groups, breakout rooms, and clear online guidelines, men can still experience meaningful peer connection and challenge, even if they never meet in person. They can join from anywhere in the country, hear perspectives from a wider range of backgrounds, and stick with the work more consistently when life circumstances change.

For men who genuinely want to stop using violence, being able to access group work this way can be the difference between dropping out early and staying connected long enough for new patterns to form.

Connection as a foundation for safer futures

Ultimately, peer support and group work are about replacing isolation and denial with connection and honesty. Men who use violence often operate in secrecy – behind closed doors, in private messages, in the gaps between what they show the world and what they do at home. Group work brings some of that hidden behaviour into the light and surrounds it with challenge, information, and the expectation of change.

For services, courts, and practitioners, it makes sense to look closely at how programs are using group processes and peer relationships, not just at their length or format. For men themselves, stepping into a group can feel confronting at first, but it is often where the most significant shifts begin.

If you want to see how a structured, long‑term program weaves these elements together, exploring an organisation like Core Men’s Business can offer a clear example of how peer support, group work, and behavioural education can be combined to support lasting accountability and safer families.